This is 36

I had dinner with my family on Sunday to celebrate my birthday and my little cousin rushed me when she got there and as she was hugging me she says to me: "Today is such a great day because it's your birthday celebration but also it's sad...because you're aging". She keeps me humble.

18 years ago today I was 18. I was about to graduate from high school, accepted to FIU the Spring of 2002, and therefore had plans to spend what would've been my freshman fall college semester of school in Chile with my family. Britney hadn't dropped "Slave 4 U" yet, the JLO album had not been out not even a month & Monica and Chandler were planning their wedding. Britney & Justin were still in love and Ja Rule was on every dam radio station. And (*clutches imaginary pearls) MTV still played music videos. What a time to be alive.

I felt like I had been through a lot by 18 and to be fair I had. But looking back, I feel that line from Buffy's "Restless" episode very much applied: "You think you know what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun".

The accuracy.

I've never had patience for bullshit. It's kind of my brand (*Cher hair flip) to call it out right when I smell it. But lately, it's just been on another unapologetic level and I'm living for it.

For example, one of my biggest pet peeves is people telling me I should smile more. This request operates from a place where I am required to make you comfortable by being pleasant which includes a smile. Let me tell you one of my favorite things about myself: I make a horrible first impression. I look mean and unapproachable and as I've heard several times "The first time I met you, I thought you were a total bitch".

I mean thank you SO much...that's what I'm going for! It's not my job to be pleasant or charming or anything that I really don't want to be. So when you tell me to smile, it's because I'm making you uncomfortable and honey that is not my problem. In my 20s however, I would've dedicated a huge block of time berating myself for not being more pleasant or charming or whatever the hell is demanded of women without any consent. You know riddle me this: Did women agree to be your hostesses or was it decided for us? Yeah see and I just don't care to give myself the work and even better don't care to apologize for it. Sorry not sorry.

The other great vibe I'm feeling these days is how much I understand vulnerability. My instinct has always been to fear pain...well to be honest to fear everything (please refer to the movie Tangled for context). So I've spent a lot of time avoiding pain in any way possible. Food and relationships have always been my way out of really sitting with myself. And really avoiding anything only makes it worse and only escalates it's power.

I've gone on the record (Wubro Episode#251) to say that in my opinion, Bradley Cooper's A Star is Born is the perfect love story. Now wait...before you jump down my throat let me explain (spoilers ahead). It ends in a horrific tragedy, it's true. But did you see how those two loved each other? Did you see how they were literally ride or die for each other? Did you see how he saw her and asked her to just take a leap of faith in herself as an artist & it changed both of their lives forever? Did you see how she loved him? How she saw how broken he was that first night in the parking lot. They saw each other...like really saw each other into each other's souls. They knew each other's bone marrow and it changed their DNA. And all of that wasn't worth it because of the horrific pain? Would they be the same if they hadn't loved each other like that?

Everything and I mean everything that we go through makes us who we are. Period. And the idea that we should only dive into something if and only if there is guarantee there will be no pain is ludicrous to me. Who gives a shit. If you're not in pain, then you haven't lived. And to truly live your life is to take leaps of faith in yourself and people over and over again. What do we take with ourselves when this life is over? Nothing. So live and love and get fucking hurt. It's what it means to be alive.

I'm also at that age where people, with mostly good intentions, bring up topics to me that at this point make me mad. And not because the topics upset me but because I find myself repeating my answers over and over again but the same dam questions/topics keep coming up. I'm using my words and they're falling on deaf ears and it's infuriating.

So let me just a sec here and make a virtual billboard of all the shit I'm done addressing, k?

1. I'm 100% happy without the prospect of a man in my life. Do I want to stay single and never fall in love again? Hell no. I wish all the love and amazing sex to everyone on this planet. Seriously, go for it until you can't feel your bones. But as for me, I'm good for now. And your idea of what may make me happy will not outrank what I know will make me happy.

2. I'm going to be happy with or without children. Kids are a blessing and maybe I'll have some and maybe I won't. But here's the thing: we put conditions on our happiness and then we can't figure out why we are not happy. For better or for worse, on my death bed I want to know that I've lived a life that I wanted to live and not what I was "supposed" to do. The road will have to meet my feet and that's exactly how I want it.

3. I'm 100% over my divorce and I'm over talking about it. I don't know who that woman was that was married to that man. She does not exist anymore and therefore we need not discuss. This one's mostly for the Medicare population that defaults to this topic when they can't think of anything else to talk to me about.

4. Yes, I do have a pretty face but I'm not less beautiful because you want me to look a certain way. Vanity has never been a motivator for me. If it was, I would've looked how I was "supposed" to look a long time ago. But my health and my wellness, that's where I live right now. I'm working on it my way and I've got an unbelievable support system rooting for me. This is a self-love project and just sit down with your expectations.

What I know today is this:I don't ever feel more alive than when I'm creating. There are tons of places I want to see and things I want to do. And we are all individual life forces unlike any other individual life force. No one will be like me just like no one will ever be like you. Our personal revolutions come from understanding that while our experiences aren't singular, our individual existence absolutely is.

Right here and now, I have never ever felt more present in my body and in my life. And let me tell you how great it feels to be me today. I know it sounds like a giant order of cheese fries but it's true what they say that true happiness starts on the inside. I understand myself like no one does or probably will, I push myself to pick on my demons just for the adrenaline rush of taking their fucking power away. And every time I take one of them on & subsequently take them down, I'm Wonder Woman in No Man's Land. I've got incredible....INCREDIBLE...people in my life and therefore a very powerful circle of light and love. I'm so so sooo good.

And this? This is 36.