Forgiveness…can you imagine?

There's a moment in Hamilton that just breaks me in two every time I stop and really listen to it. It's during "It's Quiet Uptown" towards the end of the 2nd act and Hamilton has basically broken Eliza. He's put her thru fucking hell and they've just lost their first born son. It's that moment we can all relate to where you've figuratively just been punched three times in the heart and you're just standing there catatonic just trying to wrap your head around it. And Hamilton is reaching out begging like "Forgive me". And given the build up to where this story is at, you truly can't imagine that anyone could. And then they hit you with "Forgiveness....can you imagine?" as Eliza reaches out for Hamilton's hand.

I was lucky enough to see this live a few weeks ago and it was everything I wanted it to be more.

People are broken and complicated. This will spill over to all of your relationships to the extent you allow it to: sometimes it's good soil and sometimes it's poison to your relationship. And when relationships end it's sad and painful but it always turns out to be for the best. It's just what it is.

I'm not going to romanticize the process of forgiveness like it's a straight line full of cherry blossoms, self awareness and grace. What I know is that pain is a motherfucker but it can also be a teacher and a motivator. In a perfect world, holding a grudge would burn calories and seamlessly place everything that is out of order where it belongs. But holding a grudge is more like purposefully tying a rope around your ankles and expecting yourself to run.

I'm convinced that after being rejected by a parent, being cheated on is probably the second most brutal form of rejection a person can experience. And if you have been ditched by a parent(s) (*raises hand) then being cheated on is probably a giant bomb that goes off right over the Pandora's box where you keep all the sour feelings of being an abandoned kid. At least that was my experience.

Being cheated on is a rejection on a cellular level. As a lover, a friend, partner, all the promises, all the moments of bliss, the effort, the sacrifices, the mental and emotional energy....when they slide into someone else it means that not one second of any of it was worth a second thought.

My divorce was a tall order of forgiveness to someone that has taken zero inclination to even admit he did anything wrong...like ever..like since 2011. The task here became for me to forgive him for everything (and I mean everything) he did to me that he has no remorse over....on my own.

There were some days back when I was in the pits of the breakup where I would've preferred to have been physically beaten by him then have to recover from the emotional trauma of the entire experience of ever loving him. I'm not going to get any sort of closure, a conversation that punctuates everything. So I had to forgive someone who is a ghost for all purposes.

Because then I could've gone to the cops and the justice of it all would've been a transaction. Physical harm gets a physical reaction from cops, doctors, lawyers, etc. You get restored to a certain extent. But forgiving emotional trauma is being bruised and battered, no one seeing how bad the injury is and getting nothing to restore you.

Except you've got to decide to do the work. You've got to make your pain into lessons. That's where I found my power. He got to emotionally beat me to nothing and my job was to let it go to where he owes me nothing. Not for his sake but for mine.

You know how they say feelings are like waves? Well the feeling of forgiveness towards my ex-husband have visited me on occasion but I've never felt it stay for as long as I have been feeling it lately. And the peace that comes with it...I'm living for it.

And let me be clear: The crime (if you will) of my breakup wasn't that it was over. The betrayal and lying and gaslighting and just utter disrespect to what I supposedly ever meant to him...that's where he became an asshole.

But forgiving him means I am not connected to him anymore not even by the pain. And that's really been my mission since the clock started running. I never wanted this to be my whole book, it was a chapter. In the grander scheme of things it will probably be a page or two.

So what next? Well another thing that the work of forgiveness has granted me is that
I have this relentless cloud of peace in me. I have everything I need at the moment and if I don't have it then I simply don't need it right now.

Forgiveness is a victory that is just mine. I'm not tied to the pain. I'm not dragging this bag with me anymore. And if I hadn't gotten hurt that bad, I wouldn't know what I'm made of or become who I am today. I feel awesome and energized and excited. My skin is glowing, my cheeks hurt from smiling & laughing so much and I'm ready for the next great adventure. I'm not afraid to be hurt. I'm not tied to any of it anymore not even by the pain.

Forgiveness did that....can you imagine?