The Hammock
On Friday night, I sat on a hammock and looked up to the dark sky. There was foliage over me, but I could still see a few stars, and my palms were open and facing the sky. I started to think of myself on this hammock and what it would look like from that one star I could see clearly. Would I be as small to the star the way the star seemed small to me? No matter the answer to that, my palms were open to the night sky, and I closed my eyes and asked The Universe to send me wisdom and peace. And I hope it's on it's way.
I think...I think I make people uncomfortable. And most of the time, I'm okay with it, but every now and then, it makes me sad that people don't get me. But I guess if you're going to objectify a person's negative qualities, you would seem like a moody incompetent bitch.
And what's wrong with that anyway? What's wrong with being human with moods and needing space to just be in peace?
Here's the question I wish someone could answer for me: Who decided the way things "should" be? Who did that? Give me their number because they got it wrong, and it's really complicating things.
The thing about me is that I don't care about what I should be doing. And I'm not consciously trying to rebel; it's just my DNA. I just don't care what I'm supposed to do. I care about living my best dam life, surrounded by great people, and doing what I love. I care that there is more kindness and less violence against each other. And I'm not talking about violence in the "CSI Miami" type of way. I'm talking about the violence we do to each other when we tear each other down or treat each other like enemies instead of allies. Shouldn't we all be allies? Isn't life complicated and challenging by itself? Why do we add to it by being the way we are to each other? These are the things I care about.
And listen: I'm not perfect. I'm stubborn, and I am foul-mouthed, and my temper sucks, and can someone please tell me how to be a smidge more patient so that I don't flip out after 30 seconds of waiting in a line to pay at CVS? I like looking mean so that people stay away from me. I don't trust nice people, and I laugh really hard at really fucked up jokes. Every single one of my best friends have, at one point or another, told me they thought I was a complete bitch for the longest time. I don't know what I'm doing, but I make horrible first impressions.
But I also know that there is more to me than my negatives. I know that I'm the kind of friend that would literally die for the people I love. I'm convinced that kids should lead the adults on how to live. I think everyone should vote. I think if you love someone, you have a responsibility to them to make sure they are okay and that if they're not okay, that it's not because of something you're doing to them. If you want peace, go to a library and read a book. If you want an adventure, do the same or just travel more.
I believe in good sex, and I believe I deserve that good sex. I want to fall in love again one day a couple of years down the road. I think husbands and wives have got to have each other's backs no matter what. That's what you do when you love someone. It's not just a promise or a ring. It's a legit decision you make in your DNA that no matter what, you've got that person's back, even if it means going over a cliff for them.
I don't think most people see all of that, though. They see my face and my body, and they judge me for not being thinner and in heels and able to resist the urge to call bullshit when it's right there in front of me. I don't act like what a woman "should" act like.
And I get it
Because I'm completely untethered, and I'd like for at least one thing to be settled. And the simplest thing would be for people to get me and not judge me for being different. I know it's ridiculous but let me dream!
My life is full seasons of extremes. I'm either fully settled and suffocating, or I'm completely untethered and full of anxiety. I'm searching for balance in myself, like on the inside, so that I can manifest all the things I know are destined to be mine.
I think that our souls are made up of the same thing holding the universe together. And so why worry, right? If that kind of magic can hold the universe together, then I'll be okay.
