Tired
They're looking at their watch and tapping their feet like "Come on already. Why are you not dating yet?".
Believe me it's not because I don't crave affection or connection or fun. It's not because I don't know what to do with a man. It's not because I'm a prude. My dream man loves Netflix as much as he loves to travel. Trust me I think about it and I want it and it will arrive when it does. But me chasing it? Not up for it in any way shape or form. Why?
It's simple: I'm tired.
Here's what it's been like for me these past 5 years. Ready?
Oh you're mom has cancer? Cool but it's an inoperable tumor that requires a liver transplant to which we won't do anything about until she has insurance...which will take 6 months to approve. You will be responsible for every single medical decision. Oh and the day she gets the diagnosis, it will be given by a doctor who does not speak English and you will have to translate the news to your mother.
Oh you're mom got a match for her liver transplant? Cool but you will go thru it by yourself. No one will be available to be there for you in person. You will almost drive off the highway because you fell asleep at the wheel.
Oh you're going to get married? Cool but it will end in the most humiliating way it possibly can.
Oh you're going thru a divorce? Cool but here's how much money I need to borrow and I'll get it back to you in 3 months but really it will be almost 2 years later and you'll still be waiting.
Oh you're going thru emotional trauma? Cool but I'm going to go on vacation for 3 months and you can run the house. Also the light will get cut off today so here's how much we owe. Also it's okay that you're here but do everything in your power to not be in the way or I will throw a fit.
Oh you want to finish your Bachelor's degree? Cool but you will spend the first week of the first semester back in the hospital with your mom on an antibiotic drip because of a diverticulitis flare.
Oh you have finals? Cool we're going to do the surgery to remove the diverticulitis infection by removing a foot of her colon that same week. Take your finals in your mom's hospital room. And once again, you will carry all of it alone.
Oh you're stressed and anxious because 75% of your life is up in the air? Cool, read these papers and translate them for me. Also you're *insert insults* for having a shit face the whole time. Here's how you should fix yourself...
Oh you're using your words and telling me that you don't want to put any conditions on your happiness? Cool but let me pressure you to have a kid every opportunity I get, remind you to live out your life in ways I (they) see fit for you (me) every chance I get.
And don't you dare complain or ask for boundaries. Because it will be a fight that you will be outnumbered for.
Are you exhausted yet?
So when I say I'm tired and I want to nap whenever I get a chance and turn off my phone and not talk or laugh my ass off instead of fight things that I have no control over...it's because my spirit is exhausted. I have not rested yet.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
