Be Still
Last night I broke my "10 minutes of news limit" rule and it sent me places mentally. My emotional pendulum swings from complete outrage to absolute devastation for everyone involved in this pandemic on the front lines. Nurses, doctors, hospital staff, teachers, grocery store employees…I could list them all but I swear I could cry for each one of them individually.
The absolute lack of control any of us have is so brutal it's almost debilitating for me to process. My specific anxiety issues are triggered by lack of control and feeling unsafe. Let's just say I've been on high alert for a few weeks now. And I'm living through a very cushy version of this pandemic.
I guess it's a cosmic joke that I declare this beautiful current of momentum in my life on my birthday and the mayor shuts down the city the same exact day lol. There was an order of events I was banking on and now I don't know anything. My friends keep telling me that I have a right to feel how I feel. That my feelings are valid. And I know that they are right but I still feel so guilty for being disappointed that this year is rolling out the way that it is.
But what is that compared to people dying alone? Or nurses and doctors emotionally bruised and battered by bearing the brunt of this monster of a situation? Or kids missing their school and their teachers? The stress that parents are enduring from becoming teachers over night? The economic uncertainty that tough times bring and the absolute chaos in can cause from one day to the next. People are being transported in industrialized sized vehicles after they're gone like they were just meat bags and not someone's sister or brother or mother or best friend or aunt or uncle or husband or wife. The idea that someone I love could be taken from me could break me on a regular day but these scenarios are just too much for my brain to handle. And if there was a safe way for me to be a bedside buddy for COVID patients, I swear I would quit my whole life and do it. But there isn't. I am benched.
I've been dealing with anxiety since I was in 6th grade and I've learned to manage it to where I know how to reel myself in. I have to ground myself in the things that I can control, take measures to feel safe and remind myself that I'm not alone even if the nagging feeling persists. My life exists past my room and I am loved beyond measure even if I can't feel it right now in person.
Last night as I was low key spiraling after my news wormhole, I took a shot and half jokingly asked my FB friends to post pictures of their kids and/or pets to clear my mental palette. I didn’t think anyone would bite but so far I've gotten 13 pics of really the purest form of love this planet could ever experience. My friend's dog posing with his paws crossed, my other friend's son covered in dirt from climbing a tree, my other friend's daughter face planting in her kiddie pool, my godson casually snacking on a loaf of bread, my friend's cat refusing to pose for the picture so giving their back to the camera. It's just beautiful to see that there is still joy and beauty happening along with the absolute tragedies happening in this pandemic.
I guess that's the lesson this morning. That the world is on fire but kids and dogs and cats: they're not worried. They can't worry because they are thus far wired to just go with it until the next thing comes along and never losing an opportunity to find a glimmer of joy in whatever way possible. John Krasinski's SGN has just been so good for the heart. If my love for Mary Poppins wasn't clear to me before, Emily Blunt just has to peak her head in to the frame for me to burst into childhood tears. The teacher who drove to his student's house to do a math lesson through a sliding door. The other teacher who stopped by to hang out with her student to make sure she's doing okay. The man who made a sign thanking the medical staff that saved his wife's life. All of the families making Tik Tok videos because there's literally nothing else for them to do. The hospital staff that taped pictures of themselves to their gowns to offer some comfort to their patient's through all their safety gear. It's all still out there waiting to experienced first hand: the truly best parts we can offer each other have been there the whole time. We just have to access it and make it a priority to bring it front and center. For now it's through Zoom happy hours but it won't be this way forever.
There is no way to escape the stillness of this moment in the physical and metaphysical way & I think that may be the point. Maybe this is a reset for us to recalibrate ourselves or maybe we just get through it in one piece and that's the win. For now we sit still and take it in and process. And when it's too much, we just accept that it is and maybe make a FB post asking for pictures of pets and/or kids.
