37: The Glow Up
I know that it sounds like the thing you're supposed to say but I really do like getting older. This year feels one where a lot of hard work is about to come into fruition. I'm so excited, you have no idea. I almost wish I could open myself up down the middle just to show you the confetti party happening inside. The glow up is going to be real this year. Just you wait.
A few years ago, somewhere in my head a timer went off for a climb. A climb to get back to myself. To face all my shit and most of all a climb to feel okay again. And now a whole hand of years later, I can see the the peak to this climb.
And on this peak there is a sign but it doesn't read "Finished".
It reads: "Mended".
Hello Mended, I thought I'd never see you but there you are! You might be the most beautiful thing I've ever laid my eyes on. The very best birthday present I will ever receive. I'm almost there. Just a few more steps...
For a long time after I released the life I had planned for myself and into the life that has been waiting for me, the answer to a lot of the questions in my head was "I don't know". These days I know where everything [metaphorically] goes and now the question is "what's next?"
Spoiler alert: I still don't know. What I do know is that I've grown comfortable with being uncomfortable. I really love that about myself. I'm not worried about what is coming next, which feels like a vacation in my spirit. Part of the "fear of unknown" for me has been that the "unknown" would destroy me. All of the "worst case scenarios" I have tortured myself with have come true, but guess what, I'm. Still. Here. As a result I'm not afraid of pain anymore & I expect happiness as a birthright. As sure as the sun will rise and set, pain & joy will visit me time and time again and some of the waves will most definitely hit, flip and carry me to places I didn't know I would go but they will never ever drown me.
I do know one other thing to be true: I am loved. No, really I am loved like I've never been loved before. Part of being an empath is learning to manage the dire need to save people from their pain and
the euphoria of feeling really good vibes in a room. And let me tell you the energy that's been around me lately is staggeringly good...confetti-party good.
Another thing that I know for sure: the only way through things is to feel them, to deal with them and heal them. We have to seek out the best parts of being alive but equally necessary & true (and if you never believe anything else from me): pain is a motherfucker but it's also a teacher. And so the quicker you deal, the quicker you will heal.
Isn't it weird that it has to be this way though? That pain and joy are equal parts of being human? You can't have one without the other. Consequences, it's part of being alive we are missing half the experience of being alive.
I've found that the one of the best ways of living is to by relentlessly searching for the beauty and magic in every day ordinary things. A sunrise, a sunset, my favorite t-shit, a great day at the gym, Tik Tok videos of dogs doing dog things, that moment when you go from laughing to cackle, a good makeout sesh, his hand in mine.
That's my next self-project: to raise my bravery in pursuit of magic. The safe side of bravery for me is creative things I can do on my own (and I am working on a few them, I promise). The next level bravery I'm willing myself to is the stuff that involves connection to people. To force myself to set my eyes on the guy I want and go for it. To let my guard down to the best kind of magic there is in being alive: to see and be seen truly.
My birthday wish, for me and you, is that we would find it in us to be compassionate, tender with ourselves and with each other. That we would meet each other with empathy in our pain & in celebration of our joy. That we seek the magic about being alive (whatever that means to you). That we laugh hard, that we love each other fully & boldly. That we keep climbing and we never let go of each other.
This is 37: Mended, Loved & Brave.
