2017

It's been the year where two things had no choice but to co-exist. I got my life back and lost my life at the same time. I've found so much joy I could've burst, and I've cried so hard that I thought I would physically split in two. I lost family members and made incredible new friends who quickly became family. I also met my writing hero Elizabeth Gilbert. But that's a stand-alone highlight of my entire life, not just the year.

The truth is hard to face, but it's always in the back of my head. I'll hide it in the back, darkest corner of my mind, but it's always there. I knew at the end of 2016 what 2017 was going to bring me. I couldn't have predicted the magnitude, but I knew changes were on the horizon.

So now, on the last day of this year of so many truths, I'm filled with anxiety and anticipation for 2018. Because since I'm starting from scratch, there are no rules. It's overwhelmingly exciting and scary.

And in the spirit of starting fresh, I'm starting the new year, digging my nails into what I know for sure.

The first thing I know for sure is that I've been very wrong about who loves me. And who loves me has been at the center of me ever since I could remember. My highs and lows have always been connected by the people who've promised to love me forever. And 'forever,' it seems, is an impossible goal. So I'm cutting ties with 'people who love me' as the center of me. And I'm going to stick to loving myself as the center of me. What's good for me stays; what's bad for me can kindly get the fuck out.

The second thing I know for sure is that the only thing I own is myself. I can only control what I can control. I have no control over what people will do to me: good and bad. So I'm going to stop living connected to the whims of the people in my life. A legally binding paper won't stop someone from becoming a stranger slowly and yet again all at once. Nothing will stop people from saying they love you and treat you like garbage. Lie to yourself to help you sleep at night, but the truth is always right in front of your face. Keep it simple, Missy: stick with the truth.

The third thing I know for sure is that self-care is self-respect. A lot of things contributed to my divorce, but I would say the thing that really broke it was my self-respect. When I love someone, I love them with everything that I've got in me. But I know for sure that I always love myself just a little bit more than that, and that makes all the world of a difference. Not just this year but every year.

Women often live right below the zone of "Who do you think you are?" So we mostly will do everything but never cross the line where someone will come for you with "Who do you think you are?". I know exactly who I am and what I bring to the table in all of my relationships. I can forget about myself to the point that I'll make myself sick with stress. And even then, there is a limit to what I'll put up with.

So who do I think I am for thinking I'm better than average anything (life, love, sex)? Because I said so, that's why. You want me in your corner in a fight; you want me in your corner in life. You might even enjoy having me in your bed. But if you promise me everything and you spit in my face, eventually, I'll let your shit burn to the ground.

You should've never asked me to believe in happy endings in the first place. You should've never asked me for forever if you never meant it. Both of us would've been better off.

The last thing I know for sure is that anything is possible. If you really want to live your life, you need to put yourself out there. Vulnerability is essential to living your life to the fullest. Right now, the most vulnerable thing I can do is write my truth and share the blog on Instagram. Maybe these things that I know for sure today will not be true for me next December. Everything changes; that's the only guarantee we get in life besides death. Control what you can and let go of what you can't control. Expect the best, prepare for the worst, and always expect the unexpected.

Cheers to you, 2018. May you remind me every single day that I belong to no one but myself.