What it’s called

❌{NSFW & TW: Abuse & Assault}❌

I am touch-deprived. Which is to say that I’m starving for affection. Like you wouldn't believe.

I’ve been avoiding naming it because it makes me feel weak to need anyone. But fuck do I need a man in my life. 

Safe, warm, wanted, whole, sexy, beautiful, feeling alive: this is the vacation I need. 

What is it called when aside from just being a means to an end to the only man you thought you loved, you also endure emotional and physical abuse? What’s it called when he puts food in your face the way dogs get their bowls in their face because he says "he knows" shoving food in your mouth will get you out of a bad mood? What’s it called when someone you love yells at you on the streets of NYC to walk faster because you’re slowing him down? What’s it called when he abandons you in every conceivable way without ever physically leaving you? And it doesn’t stop the whole fucking time and it's not the only thing that is happening? And he blames you for all of it & tells you he'll stop all of it if you'll sleep with him but you can't bring yourself to give in to your abuser? What’s it called when get assaulted for laying down in your bed next to your husband & he thinks that is consent by default. Every. Single. Time. So you sleep on a couch for 2 years so it stops?

What's it called when your body has been through so much emotional and physical trauma that you can't keep a dating app on your phone for more than a few hours at a time? And you can't say any of it out loud because they can either laugh, call you a liar, or pity you and you'd rather be dead than experiencing any of the three? 

What’s it called? 

None of it was safe, warm, wanted, whole, sexy, beautiful or made me feel alive. 

What’s it called when you’ve never felt any of those things. Not from your man or your parents or your home or your skin? What's it called when the handful of people that ever truly loved you are currently at a high risk of dying or already dead? And you can't get to them in time to be loved by them one last time? 

What’s that called? 

Because I’m metaphorically fucking dying and wondering maybe this isn’t just something that is meant for me to experience. And how do I live the rest of my life with this undercurrent of deprivation?

Have patience, you say?

More waiting? More sitting still? More thinking about it? More calling it to me through my Spotify playlists? More calling it to me with books or movies or tv shows? More calling it to me in thought & meditation? In my recurring dreams? 

I'm going through a pandemic by my fucking self in 250 square feet of space. 

What’s it called when all of this is stacked against you & what you need more than anything else in the world is safety, warmth, to be wanted/healthy-needed, to feel whole, feel sexy, feel beautiful and to be held? But it's a matter of public safety on a global scale that you avoid the thing you need more than anything else?

How the fuck is this going to happen for me, huh? If I'm a magnet for everything but this. 

Everything but a man who can grab you by your thighs and take you right there because you both can’t wait another second? A man who knows what he’s doing with his life & in your bedroom. Who sees you (really sees) before, during & after and gives you what you need & doesn’t need you past being their partner. A man who protects you not because you’re weak or he’s possessive but it simply fucking matters to him that you are okay & well for no other reason other than it's what keeps him well? 

What is all of this called?