New Year, same me!

Over the past few years, I stopped writing long posts and let myself do my best on IG and leave it alone. I’m done with that in 2024, so here we go!

On this day in 2020, I walked out of Sunset Place after watching “Cats,” thinking that was probably the worst thing I’d deal with that year. And boy, was I incorrect! Four years ago, I was in the middle of grad school, pushing 300 pounds, living at home, and I had plans. So many plans!

I would drop some weight, graduate grad school, fly to Greece for vacation, come back to buy my house, learn to be social, and go out and meet people. Back then, I believed in the “if/then” fallacy. You know that train of thought, “If I finish school and lose weight, then I will be okay.” and “If I wait on the housing market to settle down, then I’ll be able to afford to buy a house.” Those kind of cute things.

I was an introvert, and the pandemic turned me into a shut-in. I struggled with my mental health, but the pandemic pushed me to the edge a few times. I thought I was done being a fuck-up and it would never happen again, and I found out that, nope, it can happen as many times as you need to learn things.

The pandemic (whether you believed in it or not) changed everything. It boiled social injustice to a scolding degree. It forced our culture to look at “hustle culture” and throw it out. It put things in perspective in both the “it’s all happening” and a “This is legitimately terrifying” sort of way.

For me, the pandemic killed any momentum I had going for the plans I had for myself. In many ways, I had to start from scratch…again. And I hate starting from scratch. I had my degree and home ownership as the final frontier to the aftermath of the last time everything changed. And then everything stopped. And I had to go back to the drawing board.

I had to figure out what mattered in the face of a global pandemic. I had to figure out how to deal with not having the one thing I was (and still am) currently missing: my person. I hope no one will ever know how lonely it was to go through a global pandemic alone. That isolation level did things to my brain that I’m still undoing.

Most people had family-themed dinner nights or a partner to have sex with or kids to entertain and keep calm. People adopted dogs and made bread and crafted. Marriages fell apart, and others came together stronger than ever. Me? I was alone in my 12 x 13 room for an entire year. I lost the ability to perceive time. Weeks would go by, and I thought it had been just days. For someone with periodic bouts of agoraphobia and whose love language is undeniably “quality time” with people that I love, a pandemic that demanded distancings and isolation was a perfect recipe to scramble everything up and leave me confused and sad. 2020 and beyond was supposed to be the fruition of a lot of hard work, and it became a catalyst for many twists and turns.

So here we are, at the cusp of a new calendar year of “anything can happen.” And I’m starting it unusually: I don’t have much planned for this year; I don’t have many goals to achieve. This year, I want to learn about the brain as an organ, and I want to learn how to enjoy my life. I want to learn how to be and not “do” much. And I’d love to stamp my passport a few times over.

Traditionally, the aim of the New Year has always been to become “better,” “new,” or “different.” We aspire to change things that make us fundamentally who we are instead of leaning into them and making them our superpowers. Losing weight and finishing school was always the big “if” everyone, including myself, held over my head. “If I lose xx pounds, then the right man will want me. “ or “ If I get xx degrees, then my value will be undeniable.” But the truth is, these are just circumstances. They are not who I am. And who I am is dope af, not despite but because of every single second that has led to this one.

And I want you to know, yes, you that are reading this, you don’t have to change anything about yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, as you are right here and now. I don’t care what your parents told you or made you feel. I don’t care what your abusers declared “the truth” in your name. There is nothing wrong with you. You are 1 of 1.

Do not wait to fall in love. Do not wait to splurge on yourself. Please do not wait on that project, dream, or whatever it is hanging over your head. Right now is all we have; right now is all we’ve ever had. So stay the same and sure get better where you think you can, but don’t you dare try to change yourself. Your brain is not broken; your spirit is. There’s nothing to fix. “If this, then that” is a trap, a lie, a scam.

Kiss the girl, write the book, shift careers, buy the frivolous things. Indulge!
It is a New Year, and it’s the same you! Let’s celebrate!

Because time?

Time waits for no one, not even the moon.

(This one is for you, J! #24)