Believer

"Consider you're own calling, brothers. Not many of you were wise by human standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. Rather, God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise, and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong, and God chose the lowly and despised of the world, those who count for nothing, to reduce to nothing those who are something, so that no human being might boast before God. "- 1 Corinthians: 1: 26-29

I've been struggling to identify myself as a 'believer' lately. It's just not looking good for any of us right now.

What are we doing to each other?? What are we doing to each other!!

It's a personal daily struggle to balance the inundation of information and peace of mind. I want to know what's happening in the world but what is happening globally is crushing my faith in humanity.

You see: I'm a feminist, pro-choice, a Democrat; I believe in equality no matter your gender, race, heritage, and socioeconomic circumstances. I think you should love who you love, it doesn't bother me if we have polar opposite religious/spiritual beliefs, and I don't care where you were born or where you want to go. I only care that we are humane to each other despite the labels we give ourselves.

And because I believe in all these things AND God, I'm also a bad Catholic.

Frankly, going to church is just uncomfortable at this point. I'm a terrible Catholic and therefore perceived to be in crisis, "in need of prayers"...all the stuff that Christians claim in your name when they should skip the pleasantries and get to "There's something wrong with who you are and what you feel." Sometimes it's more insulting to be politely insulted than just be outright insulted.

I don't think babies should be taken away from their moms; I don't think an immigrant deserves less than me. I do believe that politicians use God's name as a political strategy. They don't think about what they are selling; they are just asking you to buy it. And Christians are buying it in bulk. I can't wrap my brain around that like on a cognitive level. What does it mean to be pro-life if you don't care about people's lives? What do Christian family values look like anyway because I don't see them in DC.

In a world where men claim Jesus' name when committing atrocious acts against humanity, what's worse: being Catholic/Christian or being a pagan?

Last night I watched this documentary made by Dan Reynolds of Imagine Dragons fame. He's Mormon and believes his church could do better when advocating for the LGBT community. And even though there are moments of absolute heartbreak, I finished it and thought, "Wow, what a love story." If you have time, consider giving it a shot.

He's a believer, and you can tell from just watching him. Born into Mormonism, he followed all the rules until he fell in love with a non-Mormon and decided to be a musician. Already making his tribe nervous, he agreed after some soul searching that he needed to speak up in his tribe about their treatment of the LGBT community within Mormonism. It's the Mormon church policy that LGBT Mormon population is not welcome in fellowship. His mission now is the inclusion of the LGBT community in the Mormon church. There is a statistical rise in suicide because of this church doctrine. People are dying because their tribe is speaking on behalf of God and saying, "You are not welcome in God's community."

What are we doing to each other? What would Jesus say to that?

So Dan Reynolds decides to put together a music festival for the Mormon LGBT community in Utah. And you watch it come together and fall apart while he comes together and falls apart in the process. It's not just about the music festival or a personal mission to challenge the Mormon church. He's going thru a spiritual journey, and he gives you permission to watch it happen. It's the most humanity I've seen on my television screen in a long time. The love you see in his eyes for his wife, his kids, and his community is infatuating.

Pain...you made me a, you made me a believer, believer.....

What I learned from the documentary is that the human experience is the same, but only the circumstances change. We all want to be loved, seen, and accepted. And when your safe place is the first one to kick you out for being who you are, it makes things upside down for a while. And why do we kick each other out of our safe places? How are we better off after that happens time and time again?

And why do I still believe even though I've seen what we are capable of doing to each other?

To me, Jesus is this romantic notion that at least one person walked this planet and got the human thing right. It's okay to laugh at me for thinking of it because I think it's a pretty ridiculous notion myself. But the idea that ONE person got it right is a warm blanket I deserve, so it stays put until further notice.

There is beauty to being aware of cosmic uncertainty. I feel like everything is brand new, and I'm seeing everything for the first time. I hope that I know this time around is more beauty, acceptance, surrender, and love.

I don't know what holds this universe together. I don't even know if I have a right to know that much information. But I'd like to find out just the same. 

I promised myself at the beginning of this year to hold on to the truth. And the truth at this point is that I can only control what I can personally handle. Everything else is up for grabs by the universe or you or her or him or them. What I can control is that I'm alive, and I can change the world starting in my tiny little life. The rest will come when it's comes. That's good enough for this believer now. 

It's all happening.